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a short piece of something not much longer lol

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a short piece of something not much longer lol

Post  Stephen on Wed Jun 22, 2011 10:19 pm

I thought that I might just give you a taste of a piece of my book that I am far from finished with lol

Young magician, you have become a god, whether you like it or not. You cannot change that, because you were born in a place where time does not exist. You do not have to join us, but even if you don't you must be careful and understand that you have more power than anybody. You have proven yourself worthy to be the future King of both the Human and the Elf Kigdom, still to be joined. You have much yet to learn, the near future will be rough and many obsticales shall be on your path. Sarah and you have more power than any two people, in history and before history, have ever had. Just promise me one thing, that the two of you shall never be on opposite sides, because, no good would come from that. And one last thing, Thomas, there is never a right side or a wrong side, always remember that.

(this is what is said to the main character at some point in the story I am not exactly sure myself yet)
please tell me what you think of it Smile It is one of the first times that I write an extract in English, because I normally would only write in French. thank you for any feedback Wink
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Re: a short piece of something not much longer lol

Post  Maggie on Sat Jun 25, 2011 3:29 pm

I like your idea! A lot. One thing I noticed, however, was the way you said 'history'... if there's no time, why is there history?

Cool though! Keep it up. Smile

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Re: a short piece of something not much longer lol

Post  Stephen on Sat Jun 25, 2011 3:36 pm

well there is before time so before history and time so history Smile
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Re: a short piece of something not much longer lol

Post  Maggie on Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:37 pm

Okay, LOL! I see you've worked this out. Very Happy

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Re: a short piece of something not much longer lol

Post  Amanda on Sun Jun 26, 2011 12:17 am

Intriguing. It's a little rough, but since it sounds like it's a first draft, not too shabby. Smile One thing that really stood out to me was the repetition of 'you.' In revising, I'd try my very best to cut out at least half of them, and vary the sentence length a bit more. Otherwise, sounds promising! Smile
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Re: a short piece of something not much longer lol

Post  Stephen on Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:13 am

thank you, I do use you too much, I hadn't noticed Smile
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